Being the Go-To Person in a Multi-Neurodivergent Family

A journey through the invisible weight we carry

You know what people don't talk about enough? Being the go-to person in a multi-neurodivergent family. And I don't mean being the expert who knows everything about neurodivergence, or the one with all the qualifications and skills tucked under their belt.

I'm talking about being the one who shoulders the pressure. The one who feels the weight of keeping it all together, even when it feels absolutely impossible.

This person doesn't ask for the weight, doesn't parade around acting like they're at the center of everything. It just... happens. Gradually, quietly, inevitably.

I am that person. I don't know exactly how I became that person, but here I am. And this is my story.

How It All Started

Looking back, it was such a gradual build-up of responsibilities that I can barely pinpoint when it began. I think it might have started when my dad became ill when I was 18 – maybe even younger, honestly. The exact moment doesn't really matter any more; what matters is recognising that it happened.

What Being the Go-To Person Really Means

For me, it means feeling like the buck stops with me, even when logically I know it doesn't. That pressure, that weight – it's always there, sitting heavy on my chest. I've come to understand it exists in three distinct layers, like geological strata of responsibility.

The Top Layer: The Big Worries

When you're the go-to person, you find yourself absorbing everyone's challenges, worrying about all the what-ifs, and rarely being able to properly switch off. My mind constantly churns with questions that feel too big to carry alone:

Will my husband be okay, or am I going to be a young widow? How will my brother cope as we get older, and what if I can't give him what he needs with his difficulties? How do I make sure my youngest son will be able to live independently, hold down a job, and be part of the wider community? And the question that haunts every parent: what happens if I'm not here?

The Middle Layer: The Practical What Ifs

Then there's that next layer down – the practical anxieties that keep you awake at 3 AM. What if I missed something with our finances, and we can't manage when we need to? What if I don't give everyone the support they need right now, and they stumble? What if I make the wrong decision?

The Foundation Layer: The Daily Reality

All of this sits on top of the base layer – the actual foundations of being the go-to person. This is the daily reality: managing the household, handling finances, making sure kids have everything they need, coordinating mental health support, providing academic and emotional support, managing benefits and appointments, ensuring medications are taken, meeting sensory needs, using the right language (especially with my PDA child), ordering food shopping with exactly the right brands and types, caring for our dogs... the list goes on and on.

Let Me Be Clear About Something

I don't begrudge any of it. I love my family deeply, and I understand that we live in this complex web of different needs. But sometimes – and I need to be honest here – it's overwhelming. Sometimes it's so bone-deep tiring that you don't even realise how emotionally drained you are until you hit a total brick wall and find yourself sobbing into your coffee at the breakfast bar, not knowing how to carry on.

Being the go-to person is rarely a choice. It just sort of... happens. The real risk here is that as the go-to parent, carer, or partner, it becomes incredibly easy to lose sight of yourself. Your needs get pushed further and further down that never-ending to-do list.

Everyone says, "carve out some time for yourself" or "take yourself off for a coffee, have a bubble bath." And yes, those things can help in the moment depending on what's happening around you at that time. But the reality? You still come back to that go-to role over and over again. It's important to recognise this pattern, to try to spot when you're heading for that wall, and to give yourself real, meaningful self-care.

My Journey: The Ups and Downs

Over the years, I've yo-yoed between coping and not coping, with very little time spent in that peaceful, calm state in between. I've broken down, I've cried, I've celebrated, and I've jumped for joy (maybe not literally, but you get the idea).

Over the last few years, I've worn many hats:

I've held a demanding career until 2023 when I became a full-time at-home parent, supporting my autistic teenager through burnout and recovery, and now, as we progress, helping him achieve the education he always deserved. I've learned more about self-harm than I ever thought I would need to know. I've been the partner holding space for someone who was breaking down, dealing with loss, while trying to navigate their neurodivergence. I've been the advocate fighting to get what our family needs. I've been the financial planner, the organiser, the researcher, and the student. I've also lost myself, not got things right, been a total stress head and likely made things harder for myself in the moment.

And you know what? I've achieved a lot. But I've also gotten a lot wrong. Because when you're the go-to person navigating all these things simultaneously, you can never focus on just one central thing. So many times I've been harsh with myself for getting something wrong, reacting badly, or making the wrong decision.

But I'm slowly learning that I'm only human, too. Sometimes I'm going to mess up and get it wrong. I'm also trying not to always be the go-to person – setting some boundaries, passing on responsibilities, accepting help from outside, and finding my community.

Where I Am Now

As I enter my 47th year, I'm feeling knackered. I'm stressed. I feel the weight of everyone's difficulties, and I can't cope when things feel out of control. It's not a healthy place to be.

I'm struggling to meet everyone's needs, never mind my own, and I honestly don't know what I'm going to do long-term. But here's the significant thing: I KNOW this. I'm not pretending I can handle it all anymore. I'm saying I can't, and I'm reaching out for help.

That awareness, that honesty with myself – I think that's half the battle and the biggest step I can take on this journey.

To Every Go-To Person Reading This

If you're out there being the go-to person in your family, I want you to know something: I see you. I hear you. You are NOT alone.

Every family has a go-to person. If it isn't you, look around – I bet you can spot who it is. And if you are that person, please know that your efforts matter, your sacrifices are seen (even when it doesn't feel like it), and you deserve support too.

We're all just doing our best in this beautifully complicated web of family life. Sometimes that's enough. Sometimes it isn't. And both of those things can be true at the same time.

You're not alone in this. None of us are.

What resonates with you about being the go-to person? I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.